Katharina and Glasses

So I took Katharina in for an eye exam at the same time I got mine. And, lo and behold, she needs glasses. Truly it shouldn't be a shocker considering her dad and I both have corrective eye-wear. So, she has astigmatism in her left eye, thanks John, and is now wearing glasses. The eye doctor was actually very upsetting about the whole thing, which was odd, because he's typically a nice guy, I'm pretty sure we've been going to him since before Katharina was born. But the conversation we exchanged was awful and left me just short of tears.

Doctor: So she has astigmatism in her left eye

Me: Can it be corrected?
D: Yes. How old is she?

M: About four and a half.

D: How old should they be when they ocme in for a first visit?

M: Three

D: Oh, so you do remember.

*Pause*

D: You're lucky you brought her in, because these things can turn into a lazy eye, and then eventually the whole eye could go bad and fall out.

*Silence*

Fall out?? What the heck?? What am I supposed to say to that? "Sorry I'm a bad mother, and brought my daughter in for a check up at the age of 4, a year after you requested, when most parents don't take their kids in until close to junior high." I was so upset, I started envisioning Katharina with a lazy eye, and then a glass eye... It was awful.

So, in the end, Katharina got glasses... To which many of my friends have said she looks cute, etc.etc.etc., but for me I just see years of torment by cruel little kids. I thought we chose good ones, but seeing them now, I don't like them... Perhaps I will find some extra funds to buy different ones. And I know what you're thinking "She's a kid. Quit being so paranoid and so into appearances" But you know what? She is a kid. And kids are mean. And I want to avoid any of that unnecessary taunting...

So here are pictures of her with her glasses... Don't mind the messy coif. Dad did her hair, and it was after I picked her up from pre-school.

And now, here's a good one... just for posterity.... I told her to put her jacket on... and it looked like she started to put her sleeves rightside out... but no... this is how it ended.

I Love This Poem

It has multiple meanings, and means something different for different people. I can apply this to many people in my life and have the significance be varied in each circumstance.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

One Word

USING ONLY ONE WORD Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to send back to the person you received it from!

Where is your cell phone?
Desk

Your significant other?
Sam

Your hair?
Blonde

Your mother?
Korean

Your father?
Gone

Your favorite thing?
Cuddling

Your dream last night?
Unknown

Your favorite drink?
Water

Your dream/goal?
Security

What room are you in?
Office

Your fear?
Losing

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Coastal

Where were you last night?
Home

Something that you aren't?
Stupid

Muffins?
Yum

Wish list item?
House

Last thing you did?
email

What are you wearing?
skirt

TV?
Addicting

Your pets?
Non-existent

Kids?
Katharina

Friends?
Wonderful

Your life?
Fabulous

Your mood?
Relaxed

Missing someone?
Always

Drinking?
Propel

Your car?
Taurus

Something you're not wearing?
*blush*

Your favorite store?
Guess

Your favorite colour?
Pink

When is the last time you cried?
Dunno

Who will resend this?
Dianna?

My favorite place to eat?
Jun's

Favorite place I'd like to be at right now?
Beach

Quintessential Cordelia

Back in High School I made friends with a girl who was absolutely adorable, tremendously talented, insanely intelligent AND a complete Buffy nut. As in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" the TV show. And I'm allowed to say this because she'll admit to it 100%. Now, T (That's what we're gonna call her) was engrossed in the show. She had a shrine aka her room, she wrote fanfiction, did RPGs (if you don't know what it is, I'm not telling), of course she watched it, but where I come in is this... she somewhat emulated it. Our group of friends she dubbed the "Scooby Gang" just like in the show, and each of us had a character, the one who fit us most in personality, somewhat in appearance. T, of course, was Buffy.

I came into the SG late, but soon it was decided by T and myself (after watching a good amount of episodes) that I was most like Cordelia. This character was, however, already taken (by someone not rightfully deserving it, btw, she just liked her a lot) by S (name taken out, obviously). So, I was left with Kendra... still a strong female... but not quite as me as Cordelia.
Well, S eventually left the SG. And unceremoniously the title of "Cordelia" was mine.

Here is what you need to know about Cordelia. She is a bitch, knows it, and likes it. She has a terrific sense of fashion. She often gets what she wants either because people give it to her or she makes it her own. She tells it like it is, doesn't sugarcoat things. She finds herself in the SG by random chance as they were people she didn't usually associate with. But she is also VERY loyal. And she becomes an unlikely but unmistakable asset to the group. And while her personality stays in tact, she does manage to soften up and becomes a person you can't help but love instead of love to hate.

Well, I recently saw T a week ago, we were getting together for lunch/dinner with my Vegas boys, and she looked at me and giggled and said "Look at you all dressed up like normal.... Quintessential Cordelia"

I haven't been called that in years... years....! But when she said it, it made me smile and remember those memories, and remember why I enjoyed "being" Cordelia. You'll never strip me of some things... Fact is, I'll never stop dressing nicely, probably nicer than I should for most occasions (Sam saw me in lounge pants and a wife beater the other day and said it was kinda nice to see me dressed down because I'm typically so overdressed). Another fact is that I am a bitch, and most likely always will be, and to an extent I do enjoy it. But this comes from years and years of being walked all over and treated like crap because I wouldn't stand up for myself. The list could go on.... but I won't bother with it. Just suffice it to say that I like being the "Quintessential Cordelia"


*Editor's Note: Sam says he did not say I was "overdressed". Perhaps the better word choice was "dressed up".

Yay!

That about sums it up!

I got his stuff out of my house... for good! Whether he gets it, or whether Goodwill picks it up, or whether transients take it, or whether it goes in the dumpster, I don't care, it is all out of my house!!!

My boys are coming in to town! Pete and Nathan are two of my favorite guys in the whole world! And they're driving Southwest Colorado right now, anticipated they'll be here around lunch time. We only have a couple days, but that is fine, we're going to try and cram as much as possible in these two days, including lunch with Tricia, visit to Pikes Peak, and the Outlet Mall in Castle Rock. They're not gay... but Nate likes good clothing, we're both Guess fanatics, and he likes me to help him pick out clothes once every year or so ;)

Last night... that was VERY good.... ;)

Life is just amazing!

We Are The Prize

Women get engagement rings.... what do men get? Us.



I mentioned my conversation about men who cry, with my co-worker and the cop... another part of it was this though...

Officer: I'm still waiting on my engagement gun.

*side note: he and his wife have been married for almost a year now
Co-worker and Me: What?
O: Yeah, she's all blinged out. She has diamonds everywhere. Where's my gun?
C&M: (Still) What?
O: She got her prize. What's mine?
C&M: She is!

Now here is the thing, I am certain that he already knew this, and that he was just joking, because that is his way. But it got me to thinking....

Men know that when they get engaged that the prize is us, right?

I mean why else is it that women are sought after more than men? Or at least until a certain age.
So men get rewarded by no longer having to sleep alone at night, having something aesthetically pleasing to look at all day, a warm body to ****, the possibility of a family, one step closer to the American dream, etc. etc. etc.

Sorry guys, you will never convince me of the need for an engagement prize. If she said yes, you already got the best one.

Where Is Your Heart?

On Myspace and Facebook there is an application called "Bumpersticker". You essentially get a virtual coarkboard and people can send (or you can find) images that are most appropriate for you. On Sunday Sam sent me this one:

Those 21 words spoke and continue to speak VOLUMES to me.

Back in August I stopped attending church regularly, it was due to personal circumstances and my fear of being judged. In October I started feeling the call of needing to go back to church. And by November the need was racing through my veins, but I was knowingly not obeying. Finally, a little over a month ago I went back, and I've been going every week, and now I'm getting back into small groups.

I think that had I gone when my heart and mind were first telling me to, I would've saved myself some heartache. I was with someone who has such little belief in God that there was no way I could've stayed with him, and I think had I been there to hear God's word, I would've learned that sooner.

I guess I want to know when I changed. I believe/believed what that bumper sticker says... I've always wanted a Christian mate and a Christian home. It was so important to me, so when did I change? Probably when I was raped. Thinking about it, that must be it... because that was when I stopped living my life for God and started living it for the world. I don't think I did this knowingly, because I still professed my convictions, I just didn't live by them.

So, I need to go back to that. For a while I was. When Katharina was first born, before my marriage had its problems, I was so devoted to living a God-like existence. Doing what He wanted, giving my time and energy to Him and His causes. I've strayed from that path since, but I'm rededicating my life now because I see what I want. And I know the only way I am going to succeed in getting what I'm looking for is to pour my heart so deep into God that the only way I can be found is to find Him first.

Lately my pastor has been challenging us as to what we can pray for daily. I've decided my prayer for now is to open my eyes to what I should be devoting time and prayer to. I realize that is a cop out to some degree, but I really want to know. I want to know where God sees me, where He thinks my talents are best used, where I can do the most amount of good. I've been bad about praying on it, truly praying that is, but even in writing this I feel my heart being written upon with a calling, so I'm going to keep on praying, seeing if it becomes any louder.

I truly am blessed though. And I do believe it is blessed. Previously I said I was lucky... I had found someone I believed to be incredible, and I couldn't believe how unlucky I was... turns out I wasn't lucky at all. I was deceived. But in this instance I am truly blessed. I believe that this has been touched by God, I believe He has put blessings upon us. And I think the reason for it is I have finally found a man who is willing to seek me out through God. I have finally found someone who appreciates my faith, is willing to stand next to me in it, and will find and hold my heart right where it should be, in God's hands.

I thank God for the blessings He has put upon me.